Brutally honest dating advice to save you some heartache

This week’s blog post will be a little different. I want to share some of the dating questions I’ve been asked on Facebook.

Please note that in an effort to protect everyone’s privacy, I have not included any names or possible identifiers. I hope you enjoy this read and if you have questions that you’d like me to chime in on, feel free to submit them using the contact form on this website, or by messaging me on Instagram.

Let’s get into the submissions.

Q: Why do I always run when I like someone?

A: In order to solve a problem, you need to first identify what exactly IS the problem. It’s hard to say why you run without knowing what you’re running from. In order to figure this out though, you’ll have to do some serious self-reflection to really figure out why exactly you run. What are you afraid of? What in your past is causing you to fear now?

I remember back when I first started dating my S.O (significant other) I wouldn’t look in his eyes. We had great chemistry but we just wouldn’t really “click” the right way – if you get what I mean. It was years later that he noticed that I didn’t actually look into his eyes. I looked at an imaginary dot between his eyes or I would look down at my fingers a lot when talking to him. This of course affected my ability to connect with him.

I remember the first time he actually MADE me look into his eyes. It was, and probably still is, one of the scariest moments in my entire life. Why? I felt naked. Like he was looking into my soul.

From that experience, I learned that the reason I didn’t look into his eyes was that I feared vulnerability. I feared him (or anyone else for that matter) seeing the real me. The scared, hurt little girl that was locked up inside. I was very insecure and feared rejection. So I just didn’t “connect”. That way I couldn’t be rejected.

Related read: 10 Reasons Why You’re Still Hurting And What To Do About It

I say this to say, you have to figure out why you run otherwise you’ll always be running. Identify what you’re afraid of and then confront that fear with caution. Your fear might be right, but it might also not be. I have found that most of the time, the things we fear, don’t actually turn out the way we feared it.

I feared that if I looked into my S.O’s eyes he’d see the broken person I was inside and he wouldn’t want to deal with all my baggage. I was wrong. It only made him love me more and nine-plus years later, we are happy together and our relationship is stronger than ever.

Q: The guy I’m dating told me he thinks the women in my city are cuter than those in his city. Do you think that’s enough for me to “next” him?

A: No. That’s not enough for you to “next” a guy.

Men are not women. They are not blind and unless they are gay, they will see and comment on other women’s beauty. There’s nothing wrong with that.

Think about it… You see cute guys all the time. You find other men attractive all the time, don’t you? And of course, you’re not going to run off into the sunset just because you think another guy is also cute.

Well, it’s the same with men. The sooner women stop expecting men to behave like women, the sooner women will stop setting themselves up for disappointment.

Related read: What to do when your husband looks at other women

Ask yourself this question: would you rather have an open space in your relationship where your partner can honestly communicate his thoughts with you no matter how taboo they are and you can do the same so you can have honest communication with each other? Or would you prefer he hides his thoughts and you never know what he’s thinking or how he truly feels?

He’s gonna notice the women either way. At least with an open space in the relationship, you will know and be able to protect yourself when necessary or avoid unnecessary heartache.

Q: I would like your honest dating advice. This guy I like has asked me out on a date but the guy I went out on a first date with last month hasn’t called me back. Idk what’s wrong because everything was so great. The chemistry was off the roof. Should I go out with guy #2? I already had sex with guy #1 and now I don’t know what to do. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having sex on the first date. So why hasn’t he called me back?

A: If a guy can get sex from you without having to put in any work at all or without having to commit to a relationship with you, what do you think he will do? He’ll take it. Even if he is looking for a wife, he’ll take the free cookie along the way.

Because you just slept with him so easily, you showed him (whether consciously or not) that you have very little – if any – self-respect.

Now I know this is hard to hear and I am not attacking you. I’m sure you’re a great girl and all. In fact, I’m positive you are, but self-reflection is key if you want to grow and really improve.

When you sleep with a guy – no effort required – it tells him that you’re not wife material because almost every guy can get in your pants with the same amount of effort he put in. In other words, if Mark likes you and all he did was take you out on one date, you have a few drinks with him, and then you’re allowing him to kiss up and touch up on you, and you eventually have sex with him. He knows right away that you don’t value yourself enough.

In his mind, this is all a guy has to do to get in bed with you. He will not commit to that situation because – whether we like it or not – men are men and they get a sense of pride out of knowing that their woman is hard to get. Even if you are the promiscuous type, he has to feel like not everyone with a penis can get in bed with you. He needs to feel like not everyone with a few dollars in his pocket can get in bed with you.

The reason the other guy didn’t contact you afterward is because he already got the prize without having to compete for it. Game over.

I would say go out with the one you haven’t yet had sex with because that gives you a clean start to set the tone of the possible relationship. But give him a chance to really get to know you before you have sex with him. The other guy now sees you as a booty call because you have already communicated to him (unintentionally) that he can just get sex without a commitment.

Q: I don’t get what’s the big deal with being a slut. So I’ve slept with a few guys. So what? It’s my body. I can do what I want with it. I think it’s perfectly fine if I want to be a slut. Look at Amber Rose. If she can be a slut, why can’t I be? I think it’s time society get the stick out of it’s a**. What do you think? Do you think it’s okay for me to be a slut?

A: Well technically, yes. Yes, it is.

BUT…

There are a few things you probably want to keep in mind when embracing this or any other derogatory title for that matter.

Understand that it’s perfectly fine to live whatever lifestyle you choose. Whether you choose to be promiscuous or monogamous, it’s YOUR CHOICE. And your choices are exactly that. YOUR CHOICES. There is nothing wrong with accepting that you are who you choose to be.

I wanna mention though that freedom of choice does not mean freedom from the consequences of those choices. In an article I wrote, 5 Tips to Being a Happier Woman, I talked about not imposing your lifestyle choices on others. People are free to either accept or reject your lifestyle choices.

And just remember that when you choose a lifestyle that is unorthodox and outside of societal norms, you need to expect the stares. Expect people to talk. Expect rejection. But, also know that you can and will – if you are looking – find like-minded individuals.

I don’t believe in condemning women for their lifestyle choices. You are free to do whatever you please with your life and your body. But since you asked my opinion, I’ll be frank with you.

I don’t believe that having a high body count is in any way empowering. I believe that women are way too obsessed with proving that they can be like men and they are losing their uniqueness as a result. Society does not approve of women being sluts but society also does not approve of men being sluts either.

But like I’ve said, if you search, you will be able to find like-minded individuals. This means that sluts (men or women) will be able to find factions of society that “accepts” their lifestyle. That doesn’t mean it’s a societally acceptable choice.

If you wanna be a slut, be a slut but don’t go around trying to force everyone to accept you and the lifestyle you have chosen. People are free to not like your choice. Does that make you smart and everyone stupid? No, it does not. Does it make you stupid and everyone else smart? No, it does not. It makes everyone free to make their own choices.

I believe that everyone should make choices and do things that improve them as a person and takes them one step closer to becoming their best possible self. I believe that you should do things that make you feel good about yourself at the end of the day.

Does it truly make you feel good about yourself when you think about the fact that you had a train run on you by a whole basketball team or that you slept with or 10 guys in one day?

Ask yourself these questions: did I hurt anyone? Did I use protection? Did I spread any STDs/STIs to anyone? Do I feel good about myself? Do I love this feeling I have inside? If you answered yes to all (except 1 & 3 which I hope your answer is no) then baby girl do you.

But do you being aware of the possible ramifications of your choices. For example, if you want to be a respected woman or if you want to get married and settle down one day, how does slut life affect those goals? I’ll give you a hint, most decent upstanding men will not be rushing to put a ring on the finger of a proud slut.

So by all means, live your truth. If you find empowerment in being a slut, then be a slut. But if you need justification and acceptance by everyone then it means that this is really not YOUR truth and you’re just looking for a way to feel better about making shitty choices. So now that deep down you realize that you screwed up, you think the next best thing to do is to try and change everyone else.

Q: Why do men ask for “sexy” pics when dating? Is it a way to let you know they’re after sex? I don’t have a lot of dating experience so I don’t know how to respond to these requests. Is it a type of flirting? This guy I’m dating asked me to send him something sexy so I sent what I would put on social media and he was like “anymore?”. He kept pushing for me to send him more so I sent other cute pics (not nudes) and he hasn’t texted me back since. Should I have sent him the nudes?

A: Listen girl, this guy is clearly out for just sex. I don’t know what your other interactions with him are like but the fact that he stopped talking to you after you refused to send him nudes should be a clear enough message. Don’t you think?

Men like sex. Nothing is inherently “wrong” with that. But as a woman, you have to set your own standards and be clear about what you’re willing to accept and what you won’t. You have to know what kind of image you want out there in the world. You have to set and enforce your boundaries. Healthy boundaries, of course, like “I’m not sending you nudes because we’re not married”.

I am proud of you for not sending the nudes. You don’t have to send pics to a guy just because he asks or just because you like him. You are looking for a partner to spend the rest of your life with right? You’re not auditioning for the cover of Playboy magazine.

Guys will ask you for pics/nudes simply because there are many women out there who readily send it to them and they know this. He doesn’t know what your boundaries are yet so he is testing to see what he can get away with and how far you will allow him to go.

There is no point in complaining about how he shouldn’t be like this or that because you can’t control people. He is who he is. Accept it. It’s your job to set and enforce your boundaries.

If he stops talking to you after you have refused to send him nudes and compromise on your values, then good riddance! You’ve successfully dodged a bullet because this guy would not have treated you with the respect you deserve.

There are plenty of men out there who would and will treat you with respect (assuming you don’t compromise on your values because you’re afraid to be single a little while longer).

It’s always on you to ensure that you are treating yourself with the respect you expect from others.

Final thoughts

There is no one-size-fits-all in dating or any area in life for that matter. I believe ultimately it comes down to what works for you, the kind of relationship you want to have, and the kind of life you want to live. What works for me might not work for you, that’s true but if you evaluate the women who have been winning at the dating game and dating successfully, these are the principles that set them apart from the rest. And while there are exceptions to the rule, that’s exactly what they are: exceptions.

Must read: 10 Relationship Myths You Need To Stop Believing Now

Remember that you can submit your questions to me by using the contact form or by leaving a comment below. Connect with me on Instagram if you’d prefer to send me a direct message.

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Until next time, stay feminine, classy and unapologetically woman!

-Love, Lis xoxo