How to keep the intimacy in your relationship after having kids

intimacy in relationship

Intimacy is very important in a relationship. It is even more important once you have kids in the picture. 

Now I get it, TRUST ME – between the diaper changing, the poop inspections, the screaming, the chasing after your little nudist, the feedings and the piles and piles of laundry – (then there’s keeping the house just clean enough to stop the neighbors from thinking the dump has been relocated to your home) – the last thing you have time for is intimacy with your partner.

I mean seriously, how are we supposed to feel sexy with leaky boobs, spit up and drool being our new fashion statement? Gross! Right? But even with all that in mind intimacy is very important to keeping your relationship strong. 

You will be a better parent to your child(ren) if you are in a happy, stable and functioning relationship as opposed to staying stuck in a mediocre one. So here are five (5) tips on how to keep the intimacy in your relationship post having kids:

Be spontaneous and be open to spontaneity.

With a moody 11-year-old and a screaming 2-year old dictator on our hands, babe and I hardly have time to be intimate with each other. Add our jobs and business – other sources of income we are currently trying to create – and you have a couple who most of the time seem more like roommates or business partners than anything else. 

But because there is so much required of us, we know that it is oh so easy to lose our connection to each other. We try to let some spontaneity in from time to time. 

There’s the occasional scalp massage while I rush to the bathroom to empty my bladder after holding it in for over an hour while I try to convince my L.O (little one) that a nap is important. 

There’s the quick make out session while our 11-year-old takes a shower – provided L.O is asleep of course. There’s the spontaneous midday lunch after taking the kids to school.

Being open to spontaneity allows you to keep it creative and fun. It allows you to find some out of the box ways to add a little bit of spice to your relationship.

Schedule time for intimacy.

This one is a bit tricky to do and takes a lot of practice and patience to make it work. How are you supposed to schedule intimacy when you can’t predict your kids right? Especially if you have a newborn – this was near impossible when Skai was just born. 

By “schedule” I mean telling yourself – and your partner of course – that when the baby goes down for nap number 2, you’ll spend five minutes cuddling and gazing into each other’s eyes – or whatever tickles your fancy. *Wink wink*! 😉 You’ll be surprised at the difference this makes in your relationship.

Understand your partner’s needs.

Know that your partner has needs too. Yes. I know. You are TIRED – and I do believe “tired” is the understatement of the year. You don’t feel very sexy and you’re stretched thin trying to keep up with all the demands you have to meet. 

But try to always remember that there are two of you in this together. Instead of thinking “I’m tired, I need a break, you don’t see me whining and complaining”, try this approach: “babe, I’d love to spend some time cuddling with you but I have quite a lot to do today. If you can help with some of these tasks, I’ll have more free time to be able to spend with you.” 

You’d be surprised the HUGE difference this will make because surprisingly – sadly – sometimes men just don’t think about it the way we do. I know. Facepalm* right? ??‍♀️ This takes me to my next point.

Be open to communication.

You’re probably wondering “what the hell does communication have to do with intimacy?” Well, it’s simple: communication allows you to open up to your partner while your partner opens up to you. 

This in turn allows your partner to understand you more and also helps you to understand your partner better. It helps you both to truly understand each other’s feelings, needs and desires. 

The end result? You will connect with each other on a much deeper level which will in turn boost the intimacy in your relationship. It’s as simple as that.

Intimacy isn’t just about sex.

Understand that intimacy isn’t just about sex. Recognize that there can be intimacy without sex and there can be sex without intimacy. Intimacy is more about connecting on a deeper, emotional level. Sex is one way to express intimacy but it’s not the sole way. 

You can cuddle, steal a kiss every so often or just grope your partner every chance you get. My souse and I, for example, don’t always have time for sex, but random touches, kisses, groping and ass spanking – he likes to spank me every time he passes behind my ass – help to remind you both of the love and connection you have with each other. 

Let’s not forget the added benefit of that wonderful feeling that you are still sexy/appealing in your partner’s eyes.

black couple

At the end of the day…

Reconnecting with your partner or just staying connected can become a colossal task once you have kids in the picture. But if you can try implementing at least some of the strategies I’ve suggested, your relationship will become stronger and you and your partner can – and will – be better parents for it. (Ps. I’m not a relationship guru. I’m just a mom who’s figured out how to make it work.) 

In the long run, you are setting the stage for your children by demonstrating to them what a real relationship looks like. All while building trust and strengthening the foundation of your love. And who doesn’t want to feel more loved? 

I’ve seen it too many times: relationships that fall apart – lose the fire (the passion) – once there are kids in the picture. While love is important, it takes intimacy to keep that bond strong and alive. The aim is not a perfect relationship, but instead one that is filled with love, passion, support, trust and intimacy.

Remember sharing is caring so don’t forget to share this article with anyone you think needs to read it. Share your tips in the comments: how do you keep the intimacy in your relationship?

 You can also join the discussion in my Facebook group or leave your comments below. I would love to hear from you.

–Cheers! ✌?


  1. Thanks for this article. I think it’s normal for the flame to fade when your kids are little. The important thing is to be aware of it and not let it go out completely. Small moments with your partner go a long way. A caress, a wink, or a quick kiss reminds you both what you were BEFORE becoming parents…and can help you get back there.

    1. I agree. It is important that we don’t fall into the stereotype. it’s quite easy to but if we manage to keep the flame alive post kids, it’s well worth it

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