This is one of those questions that seem to spark a lot of debate. Many people take the positions that “a lady never tells and a gentleman never asks”. Some would say it’s none of his business and it shouldn’t matter.
My position is slightly unpopular because I believe he has a right to know BUT conditions apply. Keep reading to find out what I mean and at the end of this post, I’ll tell you exactly how to answer this question if you are ever asked.
Now as you read any of my posts and advice pieces, remember I firmly believe there is no one size fits all because everyone’s situation is unique. But I do believe you can learn from each others’ experiences and pick out the gems that can in fact be applied to your unique situation.
As I share my opinion on the topic, you may agree with me or you may not. You may agree with some points, all or none and that’s fine. Share your comments and suggestions on how to approach such a question so we can all help and empower each other.
With that said. Let’s get into it…
Is it too soon?
First of all, let me just make it clear that I believe if you have just started dating a guy – let’s say you’ve only been on a couple of dates – then him asking about the number of sexual partners already can be a red flag that he is more interested in the sexual side of things than actually connecting with you as a person.
And while that may be okay for some people, if you are in fact trying to find a guy that you can possibly spend the rest of your life with, you might want to treat that as a red flag.
One red flag doesn’t necessarily mean he gets cut off – instantly blocked and deleted – but please do not get into the habit of collecting red flags. Unless you’re a vexillophile (in which case, carry on) but I’m pretty certain you’re not.
Now that that’s out of the way and we’re not collecting red flags as a hobby, remember that the dating phase of a relationship is where you get to know each other and figure out if you’re compatible. This is the stage where you figure out if he’s worth your time. Or at least it should be.
In today’s casual dating world, this phase tends to get overlooked – skipped even. I believe you are doing yourself a grave injustice if you skip this phase. You should use this time to get to know him, allow him to get to know you, test him, and basically have him on probation.
Steve Harvey talks about the Ninety Day Rule in his book Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man, and I stand by this wholeheartedly. My belief actually takes it a little step further but I will talk about this in future posts.
You can’t change the past
But let’s say you didn’t follow the Ninety Day Rule in your past. You’ve slept with a few guys or maybe you’ve been around the block a couple of times and back. Let me ask you this question: what are you going to do about it now? Go back in time and change that?
You can’t. It is what it is. Whether you’re proud of it or not, doesn’t change the fact that it has already happened. I believe if you are dating someone and you feel like he might be worth your time, he has a right to know.
The same way you have a right to know about his past, he also has a right to know about yours. And none of this BS about “the past is the past”.
Wouldn’t you wanna know if your man has slept with half the women in your office? Not because you think he can’t change. Not because you think he’s still the same or that he’s gonna sleep with them again, but because you have the right to know.
So you can prepare yourself mentally and emotionally. So you can consciously CHOOSE if you want to try building a relationship with someone whose sexual history might possibly affect your present or future interactions.
So you can be better equipped to identify red flags related to his sexual history IF they ever present themselves. A relationship must be built on total trust, transparency, and honesty. Love and loyalty are actually built on top of these three pillars.
The important question
There is another important question to be answered here as well: why would you have a problem sharing this information if a guy you care about and are building a relationship with asks?
Is it that you are uncomfortable with your number? Is it that you are ashamed of your past? Is it that you think he will leave you if he were to know the truth? Then why are you wasting your time with him?
Why build a relationship with someone who will constantly judge you based on your past. Especially if you have changed and you’re not that person anymore? And if you are still that person, why waste your time with someone who is not on the same wavelength as you regarding sex? Why put someone through that?
Self acceptance is the key
I promised I’d tell you how to answer the question so here goes: If a man asks about your sexual history or how many men have you slept with. Should you answer? Yes.
But before we get to the part where you can and/or do answer, we first have to work on self-acceptance. You’ve got to own your number. You have to own your truth.
You have to accept that the past has already happened and it does not define you. The only way your past defines you is if you let it. You are not your past. You are who you choose to be.
You have to be committed to self-growth, self-love, self-improvement, and self-development. You’ve made mistakes in your past. So what? We all have. You can’t go back and change that.
You can only accept that you did, learn the lesson and apply the knowledge learned so you never repeat the same mistakes again. If you do this and become confident and comfortable in your truth knowing that you are committed to self-improvement, growth and making better choices, then you will find that you don’t feel shame in your numbers.
The best answer
Now when a guy asks you that question, find out why it’s important to him. A simple “why do you need to know?” will suffice. Regardless of his answer, if he’s someone you think is worth investing time in, you should not deny him the right to the information, as he is also deciding if you’re the one for him.
“I was young, I made some mistakes but I’m not that person anymore. I’ve been with __, but I would appreciate it if you don’t judge me by my past”. If you are completely okay with your number, when asked, simply say “X. I’ve been with X. Is that going to be a problem? Because I’d like it not to be”.
If a guy ghosts you after that, then good riddance! You’ve dodged a bullet because he would have made a big deal out of it later on in the relationship. Maybe even hold it over your head and try to control you with it because of his own insecurities.
If he chooses to stay, then great. It all comes down to your principles and standards at this point.
At the end of the day, remember that you are the prize. If you are not yet a prize, make yourself one by growing and becoming a high caliber woman. A woman of value.
Remember sharing is caring so don’t forget to share this article with all your friends who might find this information useful. Let’s empower each other as women. You can also join the discussion in my Facebook group or leave your comments below. I would love to hear from you.